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By Francis Terrado
Kristine Tabiliran, or Tabz to her
friends, is the eldest of six siblings. Tabz was only fifteen when her father
started to work overseas to support the family. In the absence of her father,
Tabz helped her mom around the house as best as she could. Because of that, she
silently harbored resentment for what she thought was her parents’ wrong
decisions, which she saw as the cause of all their financial problems. “I hated the fact that they engaged in
premarital sex and settled for less since my father is supposed to be working
in a ship with a high rank, yet they chose instead to just work in my aunt’s
company thinking his salary could feed his family, which turned out to be a big
one. I thought we suffered because of the consequences of their decisions.”
This resentment overshadowed much of Tabz’ adolescent life.
The Search for Mr. Right
“Honestly, I really did think that a man could complete me and fill the
emptiness. If there’s a guy I like, I try to make a way to get his attention
(though not really vulgar) then do things…(making it look) like I’m the one
pursuing him but indirectly. It even comes to a point that I allow myself to
enter a ‘friends-with-benefits’ relationship even though I know he has no plans
to commit with me in a serious relationship… But in spite of that, I still went
on with that kind of relationship hoping that one day he will learn to value
and love me… In the end, I only get rejected.” And whenever Tabz got rejected, she would endeavor to excel at
everything she did, trying to prove to everyone that they should be sorry for
rejecting her. At the same time, she would frequent bars and discos trying to
drown out her problems in alcohol.
“[I would] go to a disco to dance and have temporary happiness. I could relate
to this text message: “Party people are worth more than they seem to be... They
are not WILD kids by any means... because on every DROP of beer, every DANCE to
long lively MUSIC, and endless CIGARETTES... there is a saying: ‘make me ALIVE
and HAPPY because I AM BROKEN.’ Then another cycle would begin. I thought if I
could find another man to fill me then the cutting pain and wound in my heart
would be healed.”
And this went on and on.
A Flicker of Light
In Tabz’ third year as a nursing student, she got invited to a seminar
sponsored by Yo’ Rock, a Christian organization in their school. The seminar, “How to Get Better Grades”
tackled how to get better grades in God’s way, but it also planted a seed in Tabz’
heart, that maybe, just maybe, God really did care about her. “I believed that He exists but I saw Him as this deity who is up in heaven and
is concerned only whether His people are being good or bad….But starting that
day, there was this hunger for peace in my heart and desire to be with people
who know more about the Lord. I wanted to be changed for the better.
Then I started to connect with my batchmates who are part of Yo’Rock. It was on October 2005 when I received Jesus
as my Lord and Savior during a special event “Yo’Rock Refreshed.” Glenny, the
vice-president of the said group, shared to me about the Gospel… that salvation
is a gift from God and it’s not through our works but through faith in Jesus.”
Tabz received Jesus as her Lord and Savior but change didn’t happen overnight.
She only treated Yo’Rock as part of her extracurricular activities. However, she slowly became more involved
until one of Yo’Rock’s officers – Doris – invited Tabz to a youth group Doris
had been attending: Extreme 4 Jesus (E4J).
I Need to Be Fathered
“Doris invited me again and again to go to E4J until it came to a point that I
would be the one who will voluntarily go with Doris without her inviting me. It
was in E4J that I felt the atmosphere of being in a family. I believe it was
the Lord who opened my eyes and put the desire in my heart to belong to a
family that could help me grow spiritually…. How amazing the Lord uses things
just to reach out to us. The Lord really knows us more than we know ourselves.
He knows that inside me I wanted to be fathered, mentored, and discipled though
I didn’t realize it back then. It was a desire, yet I couldn’t express it in words.
But God is so gracious that He was positioning me until I realize what I
needed. I need to be fathered.”
Tabz realized that everything she did, every relationship she got into, every
goal she tried to achieve were done to cover that need. God dealt with all the
resentment she bore against her family, and gave her the grace to forgive.
“I’m thankful to the Lord that He removed the hate in me and instead taught me
to forgive and love my family.”
Full Circle
Tabz spent most of her adolescence – if not her life – trying hard to earn
love. But God now taught her a few things about love and relationships.
“I don’t have to do anything to gain love. With my relationship with Jesus, I
didn’t do anything to gain His love….I am grateful to have a God whose desire
is to walk and talk with me not just a deity sitting in heaven watching over us
here on earth [to see] who’s sinning or not, who should be punished or not….I
am grateful to have a God who is slow to anger, LOVING, full of compassion,
mercy and grace….I am grateful to have a God who cares for me (and) even the
very little things concerning me…. I am grateful that God helped me to see the
value of my family, to honor my parents and to learn how to love them.”
This is Now
Tabz now ministers to the youth, sharing the love of God and how God has
changed her life. And somehow she still finds the time to review for the
Nursing Board Exams.
“Well actually, I don’t have to be in church in order for me to be able to
minister. I start with the people whom God gave me that I have influence on,
like my family, relatives and friends. Then wherever God puts me, whoever God
connects with me, I ask the Lord what I can do for that person or group of
people. It doesn’t have to be in a big event or with many people that you can
evangelize. What are we doing with the people God gave around us? (Let us do
something)…by all means in order to save some. With what we have, God-given
talents, finances, blessings, time and everything in us, let’s use them to
serve and bless others.”
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